Chris's Confession

I realized that she should be with me walking down that street. I realized that it should be my hand holding hers and leading her toward the sunset. And I realized that it's too late now. I know I realized all of that too late...
Now following them, hearing their laughter and pieces of conversations I feel like I lost huge prize on some infamous game. And I feel like my heart has big problem with beating. I wasted my time with all the things I should've left to be with her, I wasted my time on playing around and now it's too late. Now she feels the happiness, the happiness that she didn't get from me.
I'm just a selfish bastard that takes everything from others and never give anything back. And I'm just a lame star that thinks he can rock the stage. And I'm a lonely brokenhearted asshole, who couldn't keep the only thing he ever loved in his life. And if the water could wash away all of my sins, I'd make it rain whole week. And if wind could blow away all the pain I feel now, I'd chase every hurricane. And if flames could burn down every feeling for her, I'd set myself on fire. But I'm stuck in this cesspool, because I deserve to be mixed with shit, that I've done to her.
I saw love in her eyes everytime she looked up at me. And that's true, I played only for her when I noticed that she's jumping and clapping her hands. And her smile always made my heart flutters. The sound of her laughter made me feel such a nice warmth in my chest. And everytime I hugged her I wanted that moment to last forever. In the same time I had to take a step back, because I always had a girlfriend.
I never loved any of them, another proof that I'm incurably selfish. I was bad actor also, cause all of those girls felt that there's another girl, that I would have on my own, I just couldn't hide it. I just hid it in front of her, as I was so ashamed of what I felt. I wasn't ashamed. I was afraid, that I'm really in love and that it would never work. I just gave it up too early...
Still I was giving her signs and signals that there's something more than just friendship. When I kissed her cheek or pecked her neck while holding her, away from the crowd. Now I feel terrible, cause that was like giving her any hope that it's more. It was more, but I thought it would never be enough to make it work. The reason is pretty obvious... I don't deserve to be with her and to have her love. He deserves it, and as I can see, he got all of it now. The love she wanted to share with me, now she shares it with some other guy.
She's kissing him from time to time during this walk and my heart is ripped apart. Why do I keep following them? Why do I torture myself looking as they're holding each others hands, laughing so nicely and having good time? I'm in my personal hell now and it seems like never ending nightmare that I wrote for myself, recorded and now push 'repeat' every night before sleep.
All I want for her is to be happy, be loved, be treated as she deserves it. And I know I will always love her since now. That's how it's gonna be, that's the thing I'll think about my entire life. Jennifer. If my heart was a house, she'd be home forever... without even knowing that...